THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

The Night Before Christmas in Brooklyn

'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was strirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted
And he called dem by name

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"

Yes, it happened - It is me...

Oh... my... gosh...

Here is my Chanukah story. I have been very busy running around this past week as it was right before the holiday (Christmas) season plus every night another Chanukah party and it got me really exhausted so I decided to take a break on Shabbos and relax a little. But here comes a familiar face walking over to me and we start chatting a little about blogging, I knew that she had been reading some blogs but did not know she had a blog and neither did she know that I have my blog. So we chatted for a few minutes when she asked a question which shocked me... ARE YOU "A HEIMSHE" on Blogger? my response first was, no it's not me but I am very bad with faking so I said you got me.. we have met again during shabbos and as I was I could see she was shocked as much as I was but I have decided whatever happened, happened and I am not going to change a thing.. I will be blogging as I did the days before and if she does not like it then there is a comment area where she can comment on my right/wrong doings..

Here is the familiar face I would have not wanted to come across Shy-shygirl.blogspot.com but I guess it's meant to be. All I can say about "Shy" she's a sweet lady and she is a very well liked person by her friends and family, well respected and that's the way she will always be.

"Shy, you can read and post on my blog and I won't stop you. You were concerned that I might be afraid to post, now that someone who knows me is watching my post. I will tell you that much, you can read my posts and if you disagree with me there is the comment area where you can go ahead and leave your comments about your disagreement (keep in mind that me being the poster I have the option to delete your comment, kidding). I am not the "farfrimte" Chassidishe yingerman that I should be afraid someone to know my inner feelings or anything that I say or do on blogs or anywhere around. But I will not go and publicize who I am so all my friends and family members should come check out all I got to say."

Here is what I have to say to all of you out there reading this, When you're blogging keep in mind that someone might be watching you. All it took is one post for "Shy"to figure out who I am and the same could happen to anyone, you might not even know they're blogging at all.

Farting lady commercial

Be happy & enjoy life while you still can..

Everyone says, "How the time flies." The days go by and they are years, and the years finally become our whole life. Each daily portion can be wasted, or it can be a pleasure, before it is gone forever. If a bedtime review of the day concludes that we were too stressed, too busy, didn't accomplish anything, didn't have any fun, then it has been another lost piece of precious life.

Perhaps we are putting off our enjoyment until we have more time, or money, or some other improved condition. The trouble with that is that it might never happen, or it may be too long in coming. It's so important to accept this time, this very minute, as something of tremendous value that will very soon be gone forever. There are many ways to ensure that we make the best of our time here on earth.

In our daily routine let's include time to enjoy others and thus ourselves. Look and wonder at the trees, fields and mountains, smell the flowers, hear the birds, and watch the clouds in the sky.

Face your problems bravely, confidently, and improve on your situation, no matter what state it be in. Be good to feel good. Be active and improve your mind. Laugh, relax, and sleep well.

Life is mostly froth and bubble;
Two things stand like stone:
Kindness in another's trouble,
Courage in our own. - Adam Gordon (1833-1870)

Hiya People, Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! I know I can get attacked for actually saying “Merry Christmas” because I am Jewish my self, but…Merry Christmas! Speaking of, when did we all get so damn sensitive? I guarantee the idiot who decided that we are not allowed to wish someone “Merry Christmas” celebrates Christmas himself (not working on Chirstmas). I promise you this: no one who celebrates Chanukah, Kwanzaa, or any other form of fake Christmas could give a poop if I wish someone a Merry Christmas. In fact, I bet they like it.

When did we get so damn sensitive? It has come to a point that I don’t mention other races, because I don’t know what title is politically correct this week.

When did we all get so damn sensitive? I don’t talk about politics, because I fear that I may say something that leans right, and people will assume that I am a jerk who supports killing Muslims.

When did we all get so damn sensitive? I can no longer open a door for a woman, because that would mean that I am a misogynist who thinks women can’t open a door on their own.

When did we all get so damn sensitive? Maybe it was when men started getting their hair cut at the same place their wife did. Yup, I think that’s it!

Well, I am going to make it my mission in the upcoming year to change this. I am going to start by wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

WISH YOU A VERY MERRY CHANUKAH...

I got this email from a friend, I am sorry I don't understand a word but I fugured I will post it anyway. Maybe one of you can figure this one out!

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHANUKAH.. OY WHAT A SHOCK! SOMEBODY OUTSIDE WAS PICKING OUR LOCK!

AND THERE AT THE DOOR STOOD A ZAYDA IN BLUE AND HE WORE ON HIS KUPP A BLUE YARMULKA, TOO!

HIS PUNIM WAS SHAIN EVERYBODY WOULD LOVE IT! ROUND HIS NECK HUNG A CHAIN WITH A GOLD MOGEN DOVID!

HE WORE SILKEN TSITZES BENEATH HIS WOOL VEST, AND A SMALL FLAG OF ISRAEL WAS DRAPED ON HIS CHEST!

HE SAID: IM NO BURGLAR, SO PLEASE DONT BE NERVOUS. IM THE SPIRIT OF CHANUKAH, HERE AT YOUR SERVICE!"

"MENCHEN ALL CALL ME REB SHALOM SHAPIRO! WITHOUT ME, THIS YOM-TOV MIGHT NEED A NEW 'HERO!'"

"I VISIT ALL YIDLACH, AND BRING KINNAHORRA-GOOD FORTUNE AS BRIGHT AS A GLOWING MENORAH!"

"ICH SHLEPP LOTS OF BLESSINGS AND CHANUKAH GELT, AND JOYS THAT ARE TAKK THE BEST IN DER VELT!"

IF YOU KNOW NICE MENCHEN, ILL VISIT THEM QUICK, AND ILL BRING THEM GEZUNT AND A HOUSEFUL OF GLICK!

SO WE SENT HIM TO YOUR HOUSE, AND SHOOK HANDS AND PARTED. HE SHOUTED, SHALOM! OUT THE DOORWAY HE DARTED!

HE RAN TO A WAGON WITH HORSES AHEAD. HE FED THEM SOME BAGELS, AND HERE WHAT HE SAID:

LETS GO, MOISH AND MENDEL! MAKE QUICK, MOE AND YUSSLE! PLEASE GIVE A RUSH, MALKAH! HEY, HYMIE, PLEASE HUSTLE!

THEN THEY RACED LIKE THE WIND! AND THEY GALLOPED SO SHNELL, ALL HIS CLOTHING BLEW OFF, AND HIS GATKES AS WELL!

SOON HE WAS SO KALT HIS TUSHIE TURNED BLUISH! HE MOANED AND HE HOLLERED IN ENGLISH AND JEWISH!

SO, DONT ACT EMBARRASSED, AND PLEASE DONT BE RUDE WHEN THAT FROSTBITTEN ZAYDA ARRIVES IN THE NUDE!

QUICK! WRAP HIM IN BLANKETS! DONT BEAT ROUND THE BUSH! AND TIE A HOT WATER BAG ON HIS COLD TUSH!

QUICK! FEED HIM SOME CHICKEN SOUP HEISS AS CAN BE! AND GIVE HIM SOME SHNAPPS AND A GLEZL HOT TEA!

CAUSE HE BRINGS YOU A HOUSEFUL OF CHANUKAH WISHES AS WARM AND GESHMOCK AS A PLATE OF HOT KNISHES!

AND HE BRINGS THEM FROM OUR HOUSE SO FRIENDLY AND BRIGHT, SO YOUR HOUSE WILL KEEP GLOWING WITH CHANUKAH LIGHT.

PLUS JOY SWEET AS TSUKKER, AND PEACE AND GOOD-CHEER AND EVERYTHING FRAYLACH EACH DAY OF THE YEAR!

AND NONE IN YOUR FAMIY WILL BE A SHLEMAZEL, FOR LIFE WILL BRING EACH OF YOU SIMCHAS AND MAZEL!

AND ALL THROUGH THE FUTURE YOUR HOPES WILL COME TRUE, AND HIMMEL WIL BLESS YOUR MISHPOCHA AND YOU!!!

WE WISH YOU A VERY MERRY CHANUKAH...

Have any presents you want to trade? ;)

I remember when I was a kid I used to get lot's of those metal cars and I always loved playing with them, I never had enough I didn't have the large selection of cars I wanted to have I have always wanted to go back to my younger years and play with cars. now that I grew up (at least I think so) I still love to play with cars but now it's the bigger cars.

Anyway, I am looking to buy little toy cars for my son who loves to play with cars too and I would like to buy him a large selection of cars, Motorcycles , trucks, and trailers. Does anyone know of a good place when I can get them, either online or in store. I looked around but all I see is those cheap plastic cars.

Thanks for any tips you can share.

It's the fifth night of Chanukah lot's of presents...

Every night with another Chanukah party, everyone is busy giving out presents getting presents... it's fun to be together with the family but the presents just drive me nuts, who needs all those junks anyway. I'ts Chanukah and it's time to give presents but where does the present giving come from anyway, who decided Chanukah is a time for presents, maybe it's Chrismas time? I was wondering about this so I found this article Giving Gifts? at Aish.com, go ahead and read it...

A few years ago the religion editor of a metropolitan newspaper called me to discuss a piece she was working on about the upcoming holiday season. She wanted to know if I could provide her with a different "take" on Chanukah than she was used to hearing.

"And what is it you're used to hearing?" I asked.

"Well, you know," she said, "that Chanukah celebrates the struggle for national self-determination. Or that it's a time of giving, like Christmas and Kwanzaa, only in a Jewish sort of way."

Let's make one thing clear:

There is nothing bad about presents per se. It's just that they don't have any particular significance on Chanukah. In fact, if no one gives or receives even one present on Chanukah, they have not omitted anything central to the holiday.

CULTURALLY OVERWHELMED

Everybody I know, including my own kids, wants to strangle me after reading this. To set the record straight: Yes, I got Chanukah presents when I was a child. And yes, my wife I and give our children a few gifts on Chanukah. Having said that...

The reason we give presents on Chanukah is because Chanukah just happens to arrive around the same time as Santa. Our Jewish holiday has become culturally overwhelmed by society's obsession with Christmas presents.

There is great historical irony in the fact that Chanukah has been so dramatically impacted by a non-Jewish religion and culture. The Jewish people fought to resist one culture and have celebrated that resistance for over 2,000 years. Now we find ourselves adopting the customs of yet another culture to celebrate the victory of Chanukah.

I wonder what Judah Maccabee would say about that?

THE SOUL OF CHANUKAH

Chanukah is about two ever-present forces: darkness and light. It's about a struggle between two world shaping ideologies: Hellenism and Judaism. It's about the imperceptible human spark that enables people to reach far beyond their perceived limitations. It's about the power in a diminutive flame to banish an enormous darkness. It's about a tiny people overcoming the most daunting of foes.

Presents are wonderful - to give and to receive. But Chanukah is primarily not a season of giving but a season of growing. It is the opportunity to discover so much more - to acquire fresh insights into Jewish life and a bold new inspiration for living.

After all, what greater gift could there be?

Oh well, I guess we're celebrating Chrismas in the "Jewish way".

The Difference Between Christmas and Chanukah

It's that time of year again when many Jews are put in the uncomfortable position of having to try and explain to their non-Jewish friend(s) :-), the difference between...Christmas and Chanukah.Here's one explanation. Now, if anyone asks you what the difference is between Christmas and Chanukah you will know what and how to answer!

1. Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free ( with a donation ) from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida ) or other Jewish funeral home.

2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays : They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.

5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful.... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.

9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

10. Parents deliver gifts to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.

11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus , Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Yossela, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d? Here's the number of my shrink".

13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah!

Hasidic Jews Reject Evil Text Messaging, Sprint Service

I found this article and figured I must share it. Read for your self:

Plaintiffs: Yeshiva Yagdil Torah, a New York Corp. doing business as Vaad Harabbonim Letikshoreth

Defendants: Sprint Solutions Inc.; Sprint P.C.S.; Sprint Nextel Corp.; Sprint Communications Co.

Accusation: In 2005, a group of rabbis formed a council to find a way Hasidic Jews could use cell phones without getting exposed to soul-corrupting text messages and spam. They enlisted the help of Sprint Nextel in developing something called a Kosher Phone: a so-called "plain vanilla" voice phone that would preclude the very possibility of going online, and the attendant temptations. Of course, it didn't work.

One would think this could be easily accomplished by using older-model phones, but one would, apparently, be wrong. After a year of negotiations and $150,000 spent, Sprint acquiesced and issued a limited batch of phones with text-messaging functions blocked and SIM cards taken out. Then, horror: "Some users reported instances in which devices had the ability to send and receive text messages." The lawsuit charges that Sprint, somewhat understandably nervous about the commercial prospects of this retarded (in the very literal sense) technology, went behind the rabbis' back and switched the texting functions back on.

BONUS: The complaint doesn't waste its time before running afoul of Godwin's Law, in an extremely convoluted manner to boot. See if you can follow this: Vaad is saying that Sprint has said that Vaad was comparing Internet spam to the Holocaust. Vaad says it would never stoop to this kind of rhetoric. —Nick Divito

Read the lawsuit.

A Frielichen Chanukah

Happy Chanukah to all.

Thanks for checking out my blog. I have decided to create this blog so I can talk about anything that comes on my mind like many of us in the heimishe world who have many things on our minds but can't talk about it with any of our local friends or family but we can share it with strangers.

I think this would be a good way to release some of the pressure that I have had on my mind lately. I would also encourage anyone and everyone to do the same.

In the same time I would like to invite everyone, feel free to post a reply on my blog on anything I post. But I would like to ask everyone that I am human being too and I do have feelings so please limit the criticism and use as much encouragement as possible and I am sure that everyone reading this blog will enjoy encouragement over criticism.

Like I said above I have create this for my own purposes but I wouldn't mind other people to enjoy them as well. I will do my best to make sure you all enjoy reading it.

Please come back to visit my blog as I would be blogging quite often at least that is my goal.

If you have any suggestions/comments that you would like to tell me about feel free to email me.

A Heimishe